Catharsis

In the Merriam Webster dictionary catharsis is defined as: a purification or purging that brings about spiritual renewal or release . It's also defined as: a purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience. A purification, a cleansing...hmm. Well, that's what it feels like; but it feels like a heavy weight being slowly dragged out inch by excruciating inch. And in this process one feels a little more weightless, but also exhausted; deeply exhausted.

I've been really delving into myself. I know it sounds selfish and 'touchy-feely' and a bunch of other descriptions rich with hyperbole, but I find it to be necessary at this point in my life. I've spent the last 18 years raising kids. I'm 38 years old and I've spent the last 18 years raising kids. Just rereading that sentence makes me feel worn out and exhausted. It also makes me feel like I've focused a lot of my attention into my kids. I love my kids, I really do. I don't regret them for a second. What I do regret is that I allowed myself to lose myself. Somewhere along the line, between diapers and potty training, and high school graduations, I lost who I was, who I am. Now, don't get me wrong, I still have a very good sense of who I am; I'm just having problems figuring out what I want for my life, what I want from my life. I mean, it's everything. It's God and religion, it's literature, it's writing, it's yoga, it's everything. I'm 38 and I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I think that's the bottom line. I don't know what I want to be or do when I grow up. So, as I delve deeper and I read deeper, I find myself very emotional. I have the greatest support in the world in my husband. He encourages me to go wherever I need to go to make my discoveries with the constant knowledge and reassurance that he'll be there when I emerge. I think that his strong love and support of me lets me feel like I could do anything and go anywhere and be safe. We had a bad day the other day and Lord, Buddha, Allah knows that I can be a couple of handfuls at times, he looked at me and said, "It's still true that I'd rather have a bad day with you than 1,000 good ones with anyone else." And although, our great days overshadow our bad 1000 times over, it's still good to know. So, as I continue this uncomfortable cathartic journey, I hope to emerge at least a little more insightful, a little more peaceful, and a whole lot lighter.